Day at the Museum

Tour Guide Tales

So, here’s something that actually happened.

I used to work for this organization where I’d show people around cultural institutions. Tourists would pay to see the city, and part of that would be me showing them around one of two places: either a museum, or the zoo.

I know a lot about art, but I was completely faking it at the zoo. That’s fine, because showing kids around a zoo is like shooting fish in a barrel. Here’s the lions, here are the penguins - you learn about an hour of the zoo’s history and a few random Easter eggs, and if you’re funny, the whole thing really does itself.

If they asked about my background, I’d say something which is technically true: I’m interested in the intersection of science and art. That’s literally true, I just don’t necessarily have a formal background in it. So they find that satisfying and somewhat cool and mysterious, and then I’d just redirect to some penguins eating fish or a sleeping tiger or whatever we happened to be standing around. How much do you really want to know about this nondescript guy wearing a tie when there’s a monkey in a box over here? Not much.

The museum was my home turf. I can really go anywhere in a museum and show people things - if you have no art background, I can take you anywhere, and if you have some art background, I have a few specialties I can take you into. One day, I show up at the museum, very confident.

A family arrives. Two parents: normal dad, blonde mom, and three kids around seven to ten years old. We rendezvous, I give them their tickets, and the mom tells me they’re trying to see this ‘Holy Land’ art show that’s all artifacts from... the Holy Land.

Huge problem. As someone leading a group, I can’t go in there. It’s actually against the rules - one of the only rules that is really enforced. So, I tell her this, and she goes ballistic. Easily the angriest customer I’ve ever dealt with at any job ever - and, I’m about to be, theoretically, hanging out with this person - just me - for around 90 minutes.

Apparently, she thought she should go to the zoo because her kids would be more into it, but whoever sold her these tickets mentioned the Holy Land show and pushed her to come to the museum instead - must have been this person’s first day. And, they’re in town from Iowa or something, this is their last day here, they’re flying out right after the tour, they wanted their kids to see all these relics from Jerusalem, and... they can’t. That was the whole reason they chose the museum. And now they’re standing here, with me. Not at the zoo.

So I tell her: Look, I get it. You’re totally right. But you’re here, with me, at the museum right now. I can make this fun for your kids 100%, maybe you can get your money back later or something, I don’t really care, but I can make this cool for you if you just let me take the reins. She says: Alright.

I spend the first half of the tour warming them up and feeling her out. Now she’s not super mad, but she’s still displeased, and the kids are enjoying it so, whatever. I’m intuiting that she felt it was spiritually important for her kids to see all these items that would be in this Holy Land show. She’s clearly very hung-up on the importance of her kids seeing these religious items that would make an aspect of the religious past real for them.

No problem: I have a background in Catholic art, I know the whole medieval section of the museum, I have some firsthand experience with Renaissance art - it’s not the same, but I can fudge this. I’m a religious art guy. That’s my whole thing. I can see this is important to them. It’s very clear that the parents feel seeing some stuff like this is important for their kids’ spiritual development. She’s basically telling me this point blank. I like that. I can make it happen for this family.

So the second half of the tour, we go through the medieval section, hit some Byzantine stuff, go by some Near Eastern items - I’m setting it up. Finally, we get to the section that bridges medieval and Renaissance art. I’m going all in. This is where I’m going to land this for this family.

There’s saint relics in the museum, pieces of old cathedrals, I’m pushing as hard as I can on this front. Finally, we get to my favorite section. It’s basically a long hallway of super gold epic paintings of the Holy Family: Joseph, Jesus, and Mary, from various European areas and various time periods.

I’m leaving it all on the court here. I’m putting these kids into the world of the art: Imagine, you’re a little kid, in Siena, in Italy, in Avignon, in France, in rural France maybe. Perhaps rural Tuscany. Your dad is a farmer. Your whole life is oriented around the church, and the calendar, the holidays, but you’re poor. Look at this gold stuff. Bam: gold Virgin Mary painting. Bam: gold Jesus painting. We’re going on a full immersive journey here.

Finally, I go to land it. In my mind, this is it. This is the moment where, when they leave, when they think about their time in the museum as a family, they’ll remember this moment - and think, wow, that was really special. We were really there, having a spiritual communication with a great piece of art, as a family: it was all worth it. I bring them in front of this tiny painting, one of my favorites: Mary, on gold, holding the infant Jesus - and they’re looking at each other.

And I’m ending my tale here. I’m down on the kids’ level. From a kid’s height, the lights on the ceiling perfectly light up all the gold. We’re all looking at this very small painting. I’m saying: Imagine, you’re that kid, it’s the 1200s, you never leave your small town - and after hearing about Mary and Jesus your whole life, one day: your church gets this painting. And they hang it up. You’ve never seen anything like this before. And sometimes, you go at night, and there’s candles, and it’s lit up: the gold is glowing in the silent darkness. Maybe your mom would come here to pray when she was pregnant. Here, to another mother - into this tiny gold heavenly window: Mary, and her baby.

It’s totally silent. There’s no one else even in the room. “I just killed it,” I say to myself internally. Now, I’m going to weave in a little family connection, into this moment. I say: So, do you guys go to a church where there’s pictures, or... are there no pictures there? Or, what’s that like?

And the youngest kid looks at me and says: “Actually, we’re Jewish.”

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